random thoughts

Candy gave me this statuette of St. Clare of Asisi. I am an athiest at least that is what i think i am, but this past few years i've started to doubt about my belief in athiesm ( a crisis of faith in the reverse).

When did this crisis started? What brought it about? And why after being a self professed marxist for years, i am now suddenly searching the nature of spiritually.

I think the first time that i started reevaluating my views about spiritually (the "geist" of Hegel) is during my years as a student at PNU. During that time we had this research about the parallelism between the philosophical thought of Jose Rizal and Jose Marti.

Jose Marti for those of you who are not familliar with Cuban History, was the leader of the movement for the liberation of Cuba from Spain. The two Jose's were both prolific writers, both came from the middle class, and both of them are highly intelligent and have very diverse fields of interest, but they differ in their belief as to how reforms could take place. As we all know Rizal was against revolution, while Marti embraced it and in fact led the revolutionary movement.

Another major difference is their philosophical beliefs. Rizal's phiolsophy is deism, while Marti's is pantheism. Deism is the belief that God could be understood thorugh science and logic, while panthiesm believes that God exists because it is reflected in creation. The beauty of creation is the proof that God exists.

It was for this reason that Marti argued for revolution. Marti belived that if God is reflected in all creation then denying one's humanity, oppression, exploitation and suffering are abberations. These are contrary to God's will.

Before i became an activist it was the inhumanity of the world that led me to become a marxist. But as i embraced marxism the human dimension became subsumed to the social dimension. i began to saw sufferings in terms of class exploitation. i began to be more and more concrened with the plight of the masses but i can not reflect the macro suffering with the individuals i see everyday. I came to the point that i believed that pity is for the weak, since what is needed is not pity for the suffering of individual people but a conviction to mobilize one class against another.

I saw suffering in the abstract - in terms of social problems and social relations. Individual suffering failed to move me, until i read Marti's thought.

Now i am in search for a compromise between the social thought of marx and the humanism of Marti. and while i ponder this things i began a process of transforming my own views. It was during this process of rethinking when i became reacquainted with the works of kierkegard, gandhi, and martin luther king jr. Then i read the alchemist by paolo coelho and now i am at this cross road.

Does God exist? I do not know but I feel this innermost desire to search for spiritually while i remain true to marxist politics. And my conclusion is this - marxism is the most humane doctrine of revolution in the world but it is the movements who are professing adherance to marx who have forgotten this fundamental truth.

Humanity i love thee that is why i am for revolution, and herein lies my sprituallity.